my day began wonderfully. i woke up, took the puppy for a stroll, got ready for work where i chatted with customers and did some light merchandising while checking out the new stock. but as the day progressed i grew increasingly less... happy. i was quite melancholy in fact. my mind swirled with insecurities, what ifs and worst case scenarios: what if i am not as good as i think i am? what if i just mess things up? what if i fail? what if i succeed? why am i not going to law school anymore? am i crazy? why am i staying in new brunswick? what if the new boots i ordered don't fit? by the end of the work day, by the time i arrived home i was so not in the mood to sing. i wanted a glass of wine and to veg out.
within ten minutes of being at gwen's i was already ten percent better. we each poured a glass of wine, sat on the couch and just began chatting, which lead to looking at photos of her family - her three adorable boys, which lead to funny stories, which lead to conversations about the church, which lead to singing... but not quite the singing we had planned, no not at all.
gwen was in saint john earlier that day, perusing through a music shop looking for music sheets of jazz standards and ended up buying a book of show tunes. yup. show tunes! she bought it simply because it had the song "just you wait henry higgins" from my fair lady. well, needless to say i knew quite a few songs from the book's collection including, "part of your world" (little mermaid), "on my own" (les miserable), "my favorite things" (sound of music), and "think of me" (phantom of the opera). so, we sang. the first time singing together, and we sing show tunes.
now of course when you do something for the first time and others are witness to this there are confidence issues and insecurities and apologies for not being as good as you should be etc. but gwen, wonderful gwen, gave me a boost when she said, you have a flare for the dramatic, and that is a good things; it takes courage to be dramatic (she also said i am better than i think i am). of course, in the moment, she was referring to my singing ability but her comment is applicable to. my. life.
the emotional and mental roller-coaster i quite often experience, and the consistent questioning about my abilities and life choices (like i found myself doing today) is coupled with great courage to pursue things that are not so status-quo, the activities, relationships and goals that are closet to my heart. this flare for the dramatic is what enabled me to pack up my life in vancouver and move to the other side of the country to pursue a university degree when everyone else my age was getting married, having babies and buying houses; it is what attracted me to st. stephen's university, a tiny christian liberal arts university where everyone is family, and the university buildings can make one think she has entered the realm of the royal tenenbaums; it is was kept me going when i so badly wanted to give up writing my undergraduate thesis on a not so popular topic; and it is what makes me so desperate to succeed as a photographer! i will also attribute to this flare for the dramatic, a creative drive within me that loves beauty, making things beautiful and making others feel beautiful, which i hope will come across in my photography, whether it is capturing joy in the midst of a natural moment between a mother and her child, or a situated romantic moment between a couple on their wedding day!
so there. i have a flare for the dramatic. this is perhaps one of the nicest compliments i have ever received, and i am perhaps even more grateful to God for the wacky wool He chose when He knit me together!